writings about
walking around
the prom
moving forward
One night

one night, while the lights are blazing, your face flushing warm, while my
heart is beating as loud as the noise that is floating out of the party that we
had just stepped out, we had just stepped on each other's toes inside when
the strobe-lights went out, and you went against my torso, and your butt
rubbed softly against my crotch, and I can, while I am waving my torso and
shifting my legs ever so slightly to the music, smell the faint odour of alcohol
spilled on the ground, slippery.
But I have tried, to stay on the ground while the weight of your whole entire
body gravitated towards me, and I felt dizzy and I wanted the music to
overtake me and spin out of control, on this dark and flashing slippery
wooden floor.
I am free and focused. I hold your hand while we walk outside, and I want to
say something now, like how the tonight went out well and how your hand
feel so soft and comfortable and I feel safe and warm all inside, but the moon
hangs right now at the corner of a dark velvet sky. And the sky is
exceptionally clear tonight, and I don't know if it was the clarity of the day
without dark clouds to shroud our view or the exceptionally bright lights that
illuminated our pathes, it seemed like daytime except the horizon seemed to
have only a faint outline.
We swing our hands in an big arc and take steps together, and i wanted to
say something now, like how this is how I always envisioned but the tightness
of your grip prevented me to open my mouth, as if your tight grasp weren't
holding tightly my hands but my mouth, encircling me and shrouding me,
and once again, I felt safe.
The night was dark, and you leaned against my body. And in response, I
clutched to you tighter. Suddenly the night felt colder, and I felt your breath
on me, blowing me and your breathing, and I was afraid that your overtaking
me, the fact that suddenly you weighed more than me, and that I was ligher
than usual and that you were going to knock me off-balance and together we
would fall on the background, and I wonder how that would feel, as our
bodies fall together as one, crashing hard on concrete, but with your around
me, soft flesh I grasp as bodies fall on hard surface, suddenly unafraid.
And I was afraid, earlier that night, when I first saw you climbing over the
porch fence so that you could get over to the party without paying the
entrance fee, I wanted to come and help you, to be nice guy and to be out
there to present myself, but really what I wanted to do was to stand there and
admire you, the way you pushed up your hair and laughed because the
person who was pulling you up lost his grip, so you helped yourself out, so
nonchalantly, recovering from your fall, and all the while the music was
blasting you, but somehow, it didn't and couldn't cover your laughters, while I
stood there taking it all in, I just wanted to stand there, watching you.
And now, the night falls, the dew collects on the trees, I can see it, can feel
the harshness of the night, while we are walking, and I want to tell you that
we should walk faster because the night falling faster, and before we know it,
the sun would come up, and it was hold and we were getting more and more
tired, and it would be best to get home faster. But I didn't want to, I didn't
want to, I wanted to walk on and on forever, and you felt heavier leaning onto
my chest and I took a deep breath and I was wondering if with your eyes
closed, whether you can feel my breathe, too. We were talking too tight, and I
didn't want to fall.
You grabbed me by my arm, when you first noticed me, and you held me, and
by instinct, I held you too. I realized something, that my life was here, today. I
tried to smile too like you did before, and by my surprise, I opened up my
mouth, and I felt my muscles crack open, or clench tight, I felt delighted to
see you looking into me, as I was happy, as you were happy. And around and
around we went in circles, I was vaguely aware of the others around us, they
were dark figures imitating our movements, motionless and animateless as
far as concerned, as we are walking now, and the dew were falling out onto
trees, and we kept on moving, as if the dews were always falling and we had
to move on despite the dew falling on the tree.
I remembered everything, and I remembered how someone, an saying that
someone famous would say, when you die, everything from your life would
pass you by, from a movie. I suddenly saw my life pass me by, the first time I
remembered stuff, it was in my parents bedroom when I was in China, I
remembered crawling on the dirty, unfurnished floor, poring into the drawers
of my parents studies, climbing after much difficulty into my mom's bed and
jumping onto it and my mother clapping her hands, and say go, go. I
remembered throwing a wooden pallet into my grandma when she gently
asked me dear what would you like to have dinner once when I was playing
make-belief, because I was annoyed and later feeling sorry about it. I
remembered the first time I remembered rain, and how it poured and soften
my hair, and soaked my shirt and it was liquid and I felt liquid and that I, too
like the torrents of water that was going into the drain mixed up with caked-
out soil into a color of brown color of the yellow river that I could be melt and
flow and go wherever water went, down and down.
Down and down, I went. the first time when I arrived to United States, and
seeing for the first time, the air of a new land, a strange place that I have only
before dreamed before and heard about, right in front of me, in Chicago's
O'Hare Airport, of course, it was dark and I couldn't hardly see anything and I
felt cold enough and I was holding my mom's hand, and flags were waving
outside, and one of them was the American flag, and it was enough indication
that I had arrived to this country.
The first time when my friends told me about sex because they were afraid
that I was going to get AIDS if I did not have that knowledge and how Martin
had told me if you had your penis in a girl's hole try not to piss at that point.
And how everything went downhill from there.
And right now, the nightfall was night fall, and the birds chirps, I wanted
suddenly walk faster, but I think you have fallen asleep at your shoulder and I
wanted to wake you because we had to go. Because the day was breaking in,
and I had no idea that it was go so soon, and I think you knew too, and we
tried walk faster, and you tried to reciporocate because you were barely
awake and your eyes fluttered and you wanted to go back to sleep, and I
wanted to go to sleep, the night was still dark and like those nights when I
had no idea what I was doing, lying in my bed awake before school started
and not knowing what tomorrow will be like, I wanted to sleep forever, and
not wake up and once more I fluttered my sheets, your legs felt heavy and I
knew it was harder to lift them because you were really leaning against me,
and we almost fell down, and I remembered how it was even harder to walk
when I was walking by myself in high school, walking alone by myself in the
high school hallways, and not knowing what to do, the voices were getting
louder and I just kept walking, a girl walks past by me, and I just couldn't
look up and stared hard at ground, thinking how easy it is for me to
disappear, and how I lowered my back because I felt if I were shorter, no one
would notice me, and how I had gotten sad at my mother, the way she had
yelled at my dad, the voice of a family, up in arms, while I locked myself in a
room listening to music, turn up the volume just to hear the beats up
because I was into it, the voice of a good singer and a catchy tune overtook
me and made me want to dance and be like just them, wild, free and dizzy.
Are we there yet, or are we really going to fall, are we standing still, or are we
going to move one inch closer but fall again, and if we are to fall, will we be
able to get up, will the concrete will be feel familiar, or are we going to take
awhile to lie there, looking at the sky, somewhere in our fall lose track of
where we were, and notice that it never mattered, and that the sky was
beautiful, and clear as day, and that the soon sun was going to rise, and the
horizon was covered with a red ripple, and although we had a cramp, it was
going to awhile for us to get up, and all we wanted to do is to lie there for a
bit, and to gather us together, there is no reason to get up right now, there is
no reason to leave in a hurry, and right now it is okay to rest a little, and right
now, the sun is rising again, and I can breathe again and I can again feel you
breathe again, steady, in and out, feeble and vulnerable like I was, like the
sun that was rising, only a faint outline of a red dot on that lay weakly on the
horizon, like the dew that was constantly falling onto the now morning
leaves, only a small drop at a time for all of this time, and like the stars that
had faded out during the course of the leaving of night, but for somehow and
someway, I could still make out their shapes and faces and figures because
there were still there and still burning ever bright to the rising of a new day.
cowmoo, 08/07/06

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