but i'm not going to send it,
barring any unforeseen sendage,
until 08/01/02 because i have the time now
and i just noticed that on 8/1 ("today", hopefully)
it will have been five years since you first emailed me,
the ex-camper trying to track down a once beloved counselor
the week after camp had ended.
five years. five seems like so small a number
but it feels like it was a whole other Age of Man.
so my thought, on this anniversary of sorts, is this:
is it appropriate that i still email you?
we met in person for slightly under two weeks
but i find that i don't want to let you go.
and maybe this is a really silly question to be mulling,
but i can't help feeling sometimes like
i tend to try to get my hooks into people, so to speak,
to keep them in my life, and perhaps i in theirs.
and i think it's true. there is this small cadre of people
of whom you are one that i can't resist,
whose friendship i don't want to do without in my life.
and even this email can't escape it,
the aspect which begs "don't forget about me"
and surely does no one any good.
the crux of my consternation, i suspect,
is that emailing you often feels like
emailing one of my ex-girlfriends,
only you reply more often than they ever do
and, of course, we never dated.
which is a shame, really;
i often thought, with the end of each disastrous relationship,
"It's too bad distance and circumstance
have deigned to thwart any possible chance
I might have had to date that delightful young woman."
so you see how muddled the act of emailing you becomes for me
when left on a quiet train ride to mull over my own motivations.
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